Grabz

Tweak it Frank!! Out for a quick December ride down the block huh? Look at that boned out INDY GRAB. Perfect form, knees almost locked, eyes on the mo'fuckin' prize. I see you wore a hoody under the track jacket as well in case shit hits the fan and those intense grabs get you sweating. Then you can just tear off a layer and continue to light up the pavement. Best have the icy hot ready though you old geezer-ass ninny. You've got to be at least 45 and raging that hard on a longboard could be dangerous. How about you get a family so you can spend time with them instead of lone-rangering it on a wack-ass longboard? Or maybe your wife kicked you out because you were spending too much time shredding the streets, bro-ing with kids half your age and smoking weed under the bridge by the skatepark wishing you were still 15 instead of teaching your son to play catch like any normal, non-douchebag, responsible family man would. Make this your last chauncy-ass grab and go get a life Frank. No jk or lol.

FLEXED!

You’re going to blow the shot if you don’t flex harder Donny. (Bet you go by Donovan when you’re not shredding what you think is 'gnar' you asshole). Looks like 3 protein shakes of NoXPLODE is working out great for you. Too bad no one wants to see some 50-year old man flexing so hard he shits himself. Don’t worry though, I’m sure that red goatee keeps the ladies guessing as to whether you’re a virgin or not. You don’t seem daring enough to be pushing mach-3 with no shirt on, but I guess you do have that bullshit coat of hair covering your body for protection. Don’t forget that fucking Triple 8 ‘cool dad’ brain bucket, it’ll make sure that there isn’t any brain damage in case of a spill. Too bad your fucking feet will be gone when you slip off because you’re barefoot. Fuck your feet right. No, fuck you Donny.

You go girl!!

Tina where’s Leo!? Woops sorry, we mistook you for that stupid bitch Rose from Titanic with that ‘I can fly’ bullshit. Easy mistake to make because you look just as ugly as her with that crooked ‘zany’ smile you have. It’s ok though, because looks aren’t everything. Unfortunately you don’t have anything else going for you either, however, because you are fucking stupid enough to wear Ugg boots in the middle of summer. Do you know why girls like Meghan Fox can get away with that? Because they are hot enough that no one gives a fuck what they wear. You unfortunately don’t fit that category, even if you push your chest out like that. We were tired of making fun of girls for wearing dumb ass furry boots that make them look like fucking trendy Eskimos, but then you happened. I bet you wish you were wearing some slutty heels and just standing next to the skatepark doing Meth, being the local ‘skate slut’ instead, “Sk8r Boi” no doubt blaring in those headphones. You go girl! You could end up as just as much of a dumb, giggling, ‘Punk rock princess’, confused teenage age slut as Avril. Fuck your feet. Fuck your iPod. Fuck your longboard.

Motocross Helmet. Really?

Kowabunga Kev! Are you even moving? Why are you wearing a motocross helmet? Oh, I see, you put the helmet on just in case you started rolling during that dumb ass photo pose you thought was super “rad” for your myspace page. Fuck my-fucking-space, get a Twitter, so you can tweet about how you’re the youngest kid that has ever needed Viagra. And what about pads? If you need a motocross helmet you’re probably planning on taking those sweet ABEC-3 Walmart bearings to the limit, flexing through S-curves close to the legal speed limit. At least put on some wrist protectors to make this shit photo realistic you prepubescent dildo.

Wheelies

Hola Miguel! You're bullshit! I didn't know that you could just longboard wherever the fuck you please. Looks like you're on a one-way risking families lives you arrogant asshole. Hope a PT Cruiser doesn't just fuck you at like 26 mph. Do ladies' tops just fly off when you go on just your back wheels like that? Because it looks like a total accident from some dick who doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. What's up with your fucking 30-pack abs. Next time you're at McDonald's ordering a quadruple quarter pounder, try diet coke instead of regular you fuck. I hope you go down face first and bite your tongue right off you piece of shit. Die in a week.

Just Chillen

Hold on tight Konner! I mean, Fuck, I bet the grip is fucking sick with those home-fucking-depot gardening gloves that you tell your friends 'made for longboarding.' Im sure you go into serious detail explaining 2 longboard n00bz how 'fucked' your hands get when you go faster than a trash bag of meth in a homeless tent-camp y'asshole. You really had us fooled with the extreme downhill turn though, until we looked at the top of the screen and saw parking spots, you dumb fuck. Did you lock your keys in your car and you were waiting for the AAA people that your mom called? Im sure the ladies love to look up those shorts and note that your firecrotch is probably better looking than that pubic fro you call a 'beard.' At least you have that grip so you don't lose your board like you did all of your friends. Fuck yourself.

Consequences

For those of you who don't understand the consequences of longboarding, they are severe, and with a sport that’s so extreme that people take pictures of flat-ground grabs in Parking Lots, Little Bobby here really fucked himself. First, his mom is probably going to be furious, she didn't buy those wrist guards for no reason. Second of all, Bobby... You really fucked yourself here, with that little smile in the background, I know that you haven’t kissed a girl yet, and with your 3rd layer of skin hanging off, you're really going to have a hard time beating off to victories secret catalogue pictures that you steal from your mom. I bet the 6 year-old kids you baby-sit think you are core though. Way to go Bobby, You set the standard for a new low.