The Great Wall

Konichiwa Daryl! All the way on top of the Great Wall are we? I never thought longboarding would get more ridiculous than ninja turtle sliding gloves, but you have truly put us in awe. How was the rest of your trip? I heard the weather is great, which you seem pretty unsure of with your Capri length Jnco shorts. If only we could see the dragon on the back pocket. I bet the Chinese loved to see another asshole American exploiting their heritage so you can wear shorts that look like you stole pants from a midget. And sick Rod Steward hair-cut, how many years ago did you sing “Am I sexy?” because I’m pretty sure the answer is clear you ugly uncoordinated piece of shit. At least you can prove that your balance is good, I mean, it would have to be if it was worth cutting your sleeves off for extra speed. Too bad no one has thrown a chopstick in front of your wheel while you were pulling that mach one heel-side turn. The only thing that could fix how horrible this picture is, is if it were in a sequence, and the next shot was a guard holding you at gunpoint and then selling you to a unlicensed meat processing factory in downtown Beijing. Fuck your birthday.

Honey! Quick take a picture

Oh shit! Be Careful Raul, I’m sure your kids are super nervous with all your weight on the front of the board like that! I was just curious as to your choice of outerwear, all these pics of pro longboarders that I see have speed suits and helmets involved. You my friend are balls to the wall. Winning races while doing tricks is one thing, but winning in your PJs!!! That’s just cruel… At least I know your eyes will be safe with those Oakley razorblades I know you have in that Fanny Pack, for optimum protection and aerodynamics. And ladies I’ll let you in on a secret. Raul also keeps Trojan Magnums in that pack, because you know he just slays pussy in his trophy room on the daily.

SpOnZoReD

Oh I totally forgot, I guess this website is pretty bullshit. I mean Srzly guyz, Longboarders do crazy tricks that are super technically difficult. I guess we overlooked all of the sponsored kids that go out for photshoots and all that core shit. These kids are the Flex Dex Bros. Super progressive shit, if you couldn’t tell by this nose manual, I mean those K-Swiss shoes really keep a good hold on the board for excellent feel and control. And that hat ans sunglasses? They keep the sun out of his face… Because he can hold that shit all DAY! ROFLZ! But seriously, he doesn’t need the sunglasses, because he does this shit with his eyes closed. While we are at the national park, why not get urban. Longboards don’t have to stay on the ground, I mean while regular sk8r faygs hit handrails, we Longbros get way creative and shit. See that rock over there? Danny is gonna straight up pick up his board, plant a foot and jump off, sound easy? Well try landing it on a board you pussies, check Danny’s action photo in shot two… Claim that shit Danny

Bummer...

Oh fuck dude… that’s such a bummer. You ran all the way up to the roof for this photo to get the sunset shot, only to find out that they sold you a warped board? Oh well, I’m sure you can just patch it up, I mean looks like you have plenty of practice with those pants, I’m sure that you can rig it so you can get those epic downhill 12 mph grabbed turns that you have wet dreams to every night.

Mullet Shred

Dude, yea Steve. Mullet towing shred? Oh I get it, you got tired of shredding down hills and decided to switch it up and drop hand drags going uphill. And I see your killing it with the moisture wicking North Face top you got on sale at a used sporting goods store when you were looking for some new jelly wheels for your banana flex deck that you shred on the weekends. Wouldn’t want some sweat to hit the deck and compromise your grip when you’re going upwards of 40 mph and hanging at like 3 g’s, boosting the shit out of the power zone on the daily. You must mostly have been doing this shit forever! This photo was probably taken on Tuesday, not even the Friday night shred when you really slam the curves with aggression! Maybe some chix will c this post on the web later and holler at you for a little shredding in the bed room if you know what I mean. Your forearms will be ripped and ready to grip after this x-treme ass day on the asphalt slopes. Shred on Steve!