Grabz

Tweak it Frank!! Out for a quick December ride down the block huh? Look at that boned out INDY GRAB. Perfect form, knees almost locked, eyes on the mo'fuckin' prize. I see you wore a hoody under the track jacket as well in case shit hits the fan and those intense grabs get you sweating. Then you can just tear off a layer and continue to light up the pavement. Best have the icy hot ready though you old geezer-ass ninny. You've got to be at least 45 and raging that hard on a longboard could be dangerous. How about you get a family so you can spend time with them instead of lone-rangering it on a wack-ass longboard? Or maybe your wife kicked you out because you were spending too much time shredding the streets, bro-ing with kids half your age and smoking weed under the bridge by the skatepark wishing you were still 15 instead of teaching your son to play catch like any normal, non-douchebag, responsible family man would. Make this your last chauncy-ass grab and go get a life Frank. No jk or lol.

FLEXED!

You’re going to blow the shot if you don’t flex harder Donny. (Bet you go by Donovan when you’re not shredding what you think is 'gnar' you asshole). Looks like 3 protein shakes of NoXPLODE is working out great for you. Too bad no one wants to see some 50-year old man flexing so hard he shits himself. Don’t worry though, I’m sure that red goatee keeps the ladies guessing as to whether you’re a virgin or not. You don’t seem daring enough to be pushing mach-3 with no shirt on, but I guess you do have that bullshit coat of hair covering your body for protection. Don’t forget that fucking Triple 8 ‘cool dad’ brain bucket, it’ll make sure that there isn’t any brain damage in case of a spill. Too bad your fucking feet will be gone when you slip off because you’re barefoot. Fuck your feet right. No, fuck you Donny.

You go girl!!

Tina where’s Leo!? Woops sorry, we mistook you for that stupid bitch Rose from Titanic with that ‘I can fly’ bullshit. Easy mistake to make because you look just as ugly as her with that crooked ‘zany’ smile you have. It’s ok though, because looks aren’t everything. Unfortunately you don’t have anything else going for you either, however, because you are fucking stupid enough to wear Ugg boots in the middle of summer. Do you know why girls like Meghan Fox can get away with that? Because they are hot enough that no one gives a fuck what they wear. You unfortunately don’t fit that category, even if you push your chest out like that. We were tired of making fun of girls for wearing dumb ass furry boots that make them look like fucking trendy Eskimos, but then you happened. I bet you wish you were wearing some slutty heels and just standing next to the skatepark doing Meth, being the local ‘skate slut’ instead, “Sk8r Boi” no doubt blaring in those headphones. You go girl! You could end up as just as much of a dumb, giggling, ‘Punk rock princess’, confused teenage age slut as Avril. Fuck your feet. Fuck your iPod. Fuck your longboard.

Motocross Helmet. Really?

Kowabunga Kev! Are you even moving? Why are you wearing a motocross helmet? Oh, I see, you put the helmet on just in case you started rolling during that dumb ass photo pose you thought was super “rad” for your myspace page. Fuck my-fucking-space, get a Twitter, so you can tweet about how you’re the youngest kid that has ever needed Viagra. And what about pads? If you need a motocross helmet you’re probably planning on taking those sweet ABEC-3 Walmart bearings to the limit, flexing through S-curves close to the legal speed limit. At least put on some wrist protectors to make this shit photo realistic you prepubescent dildo.

Wheelies

Hola Miguel! You're bullshit! I didn't know that you could just longboard wherever the fuck you please. Looks like you're on a one-way risking families lives you arrogant asshole. Hope a PT Cruiser doesn't just fuck you at like 26 mph. Do ladies' tops just fly off when you go on just your back wheels like that? Because it looks like a total accident from some dick who doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. What's up with your fucking 30-pack abs. Next time you're at McDonald's ordering a quadruple quarter pounder, try diet coke instead of regular you fuck. I hope you go down face first and bite your tongue right off you piece of shit. Die in a week.

Just Chillen

Hold on tight Konner! I mean, Fuck, I bet the grip is fucking sick with those home-fucking-depot gardening gloves that you tell your friends 'made for longboarding.' Im sure you go into serious detail explaining 2 longboard n00bz how 'fucked' your hands get when you go faster than a trash bag of meth in a homeless tent-camp y'asshole. You really had us fooled with the extreme downhill turn though, until we looked at the top of the screen and saw parking spots, you dumb fuck. Did you lock your keys in your car and you were waiting for the AAA people that your mom called? Im sure the ladies love to look up those shorts and note that your firecrotch is probably better looking than that pubic fro you call a 'beard.' At least you have that grip so you don't lose your board like you did all of your friends. Fuck yourself.

Consequences

For those of you who don't understand the consequences of longboarding, they are severe, and with a sport that’s so extreme that people take pictures of flat-ground grabs in Parking Lots, Little Bobby here really fucked himself. First, his mom is probably going to be furious, she didn't buy those wrist guards for no reason. Second of all, Bobby... You really fucked yourself here, with that little smile in the background, I know that you haven’t kissed a girl yet, and with your 3rd layer of skin hanging off, you're really going to have a hard time beating off to victories secret catalogue pictures that you steal from your mom. I bet the 6 year-old kids you baby-sit think you are core though. Way to go Bobby, You set the standard for a new low.

The Great Wall

Konichiwa Daryl! All the way on top of the Great Wall are we? I never thought longboarding would get more ridiculous than ninja turtle sliding gloves, but you have truly put us in awe. How was the rest of your trip? I heard the weather is great, which you seem pretty unsure of with your Capri length Jnco shorts. If only we could see the dragon on the back pocket. I bet the Chinese loved to see another asshole American exploiting their heritage so you can wear shorts that look like you stole pants from a midget. And sick Rod Steward hair-cut, how many years ago did you sing “Am I sexy?” because I’m pretty sure the answer is clear you ugly uncoordinated piece of shit. At least you can prove that your balance is good, I mean, it would have to be if it was worth cutting your sleeves off for extra speed. Too bad no one has thrown a chopstick in front of your wheel while you were pulling that mach one heel-side turn. The only thing that could fix how horrible this picture is, is if it were in a sequence, and the next shot was a guard holding you at gunpoint and then selling you to a unlicensed meat processing factory in downtown Beijing. Fuck your birthday.

Honey! Quick take a picture

Oh shit! Be Careful Raul, I’m sure your kids are super nervous with all your weight on the front of the board like that! I was just curious as to your choice of outerwear, all these pics of pro longboarders that I see have speed suits and helmets involved. You my friend are balls to the wall. Winning races while doing tricks is one thing, but winning in your PJs!!! That’s just cruel… At least I know your eyes will be safe with those Oakley razorblades I know you have in that Fanny Pack, for optimum protection and aerodynamics. And ladies I’ll let you in on a secret. Raul also keeps Trojan Magnums in that pack, because you know he just slays pussy in his trophy room on the daily.

SpOnZoReD

Oh I totally forgot, I guess this website is pretty bullshit. I mean Srzly guyz, Longboarders do crazy tricks that are super technically difficult. I guess we overlooked all of the sponsored kids that go out for photshoots and all that core shit. These kids are the Flex Dex Bros. Super progressive shit, if you couldn’t tell by this nose manual, I mean those K-Swiss shoes really keep a good hold on the board for excellent feel and control. And that hat ans sunglasses? They keep the sun out of his face… Because he can hold that shit all DAY! ROFLZ! But seriously, he doesn’t need the sunglasses, because he does this shit with his eyes closed. While we are at the national park, why not get urban. Longboards don’t have to stay on the ground, I mean while regular sk8r faygs hit handrails, we Longbros get way creative and shit. See that rock over there? Danny is gonna straight up pick up his board, plant a foot and jump off, sound easy? Well try landing it on a board you pussies, check Danny’s action photo in shot two… Claim that shit Danny

Bummer...

Oh fuck dude… that’s such a bummer. You ran all the way up to the roof for this photo to get the sunset shot, only to find out that they sold you a warped board? Oh well, I’m sure you can just patch it up, I mean looks like you have plenty of practice with those pants, I’m sure that you can rig it so you can get those epic downhill 12 mph grabbed turns that you have wet dreams to every night.

Mullet Shred

Dude, yea Steve. Mullet towing shred? Oh I get it, you got tired of shredding down hills and decided to switch it up and drop hand drags going uphill. And I see your killing it with the moisture wicking North Face top you got on sale at a used sporting goods store when you were looking for some new jelly wheels for your banana flex deck that you shred on the weekends. Wouldn’t want some sweat to hit the deck and compromise your grip when you’re going upwards of 40 mph and hanging at like 3 g’s, boosting the shit out of the power zone on the daily. You must mostly have been doing this shit forever! This photo was probably taken on Tuesday, not even the Friday night shred when you really slam the curves with aggression! Maybe some chix will c this post on the web later and holler at you for a little shredding in the bed room if you know what I mean. Your forearms will be ripped and ready to grip after this x-treme ass day on the asphalt slopes. Shred on Steve!